Top 5: Reasons to Get Ordained Online to Perform Weddings

I recently expressed an interest in getting ordained online to perform weddings, because it sounded easy, cheap and ridiculous. My girlfriend, naysaying this plan, asked me when I would EVER need to use this, so I’ve compiled a list of wedding scenarios in which I could save the day with my online minister credentials:

Seems legit

1. The “Lost” Scenario

I am on a plane or ship that tragically wrecks out in the ocean, but close enough to an island that a sizable group of us make landfall. The island is capable of sustaining life, and we have a mixture of skill sets among survivors such that we can survive here for a while, but it’s very remote so we won’t necessarily ever be found. 

Resemblance to popular TV shows is purely coincidental, of course

But surprise! Two people on the plane used to go out, years ago, but they broke things off and haven’t seen each other in a long time until fate brought them together on this plane/ship that they were randomly both on! Good thing I’m here with my wedding performance ordained minister skillz* to make everything official

*Skillz do not include guaranteeing good wedding weather

2. Impromptu Rainstorm (or other natural disaster)

The car commercial where it’s raining, and the wedding is “ruined,” but then the bride and groom, the maid of honor and best man, and the officiant get in the car and go up to the wedding setup and do the wedding anyway, awesomely in a thunderstorm.

Knew I should’ve gone with the Gore-Tex dress

 Because “shitshow wedding, good marriage” is just like “bad dress rehearsal, good performance,” right?

3. Vegas

If I’m ever in Vegas and friends want to have an ill-advised drunken Elvis impersonator wedding, I could save them the money it would cost to rent the chapel, and just get them drunk enough for me to pass as an Elvis impersonator

Can’t possibly be worse than this, right?

4. TV Wedding Shenanigans 

Basically if any friends are having a sitcom-esque large wedding where everything is going wrong, their families are fighting, and it’s ridiculous in general. This is likely because I actively encourage friends to make decisions I feel might result in a How I Met Your Mother episode-esque scenario

Not the Cool Guy Tips!!!!

With my officiant skills, we could sneak outside to conduct a more intimate ceremony with the main characters in our TV-show-of-life. On a related note, one of my 2016 New Years resolutions is to bring Cool Guy Tips back to popularity

5. The Most Likely Scenario 

So we’re all at the rehearsal dinner having a great time, having some grilled chicken. The couple actually found the catering company because the head chef was dating the officiant for the wedding. The chef and officiant dated for two years, but broke up a week before this wedding  (it was really bad because they actually bought a house together after dating for only two years). The scorned catering chef seeks vengeance!

Scorned catering chef, I guess

He purposely makes sure the officiant/ex is served undercooked chicken by just disguising it with a lot of sauce and having waiters pour her a lot of extra wine so she doesn’t notice. The next day at the wedding, disaster strikes! The officiant is projectile vomiting all over the venue! (But it only gets in trash cans, so the day isn’t totally ruined, the officiant is just momentarily incapacitated)

Artist rendering of projectile vomiting officiant
Artist rendering of projectile vomiting officiant

We decide to call an Uber to take the officiant back to their hotel, since they obviously can’t perform the ceremony. BUT GUESS WHO CAN?! Everyone in attendance is chanting my name, and there’s a slow-clap for me. They lift me onto their shoulders and I crowd-surf to the front, where I perform the best wedding of all time, and everyone lives happily ever after (with the possible exception of the officiant and chef, who are still exes and see each other all the time because they both derive their primary income from weddings)

Basically a wedding officiant superhero

I’m pretty sure this is a compelling enough case to convince my girlfriend I need to become a wedding officiant, but if I’ve left anything out, definitely let me know. I’m super committed to this, clearly, and need all the help I can get

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